I had some shoulder pain again recently, and in order to let them recover a bit I decided to just lie in bed as ergonomically as I could, opting to just take the time and think a bit. It’s something I don’t really do all that often, letting my mind just wander without any distractions, except for perhaps the walks I take daily. There is something different about it though when there is no activity or pressure attached to it though, just relaxing I suppose one could say.

That it was as well, rather unsurprisingly, rather relaxing, and much nicer than when I am actually intending to go to sleep, since then there is always the pressure of actually trying to fall asleep and wanting to get a good night’s sleep at the back of my mind. It feels like it’s something I should try to take the time to do more often, since it essentially something I almost never do. At the same time, there is somewhat of a reason for that, it very easily becoming rather boring especially as I am someone who is not particularily good at just focusing on a single thing for extended periods of time unless it really grips me, so trying to stay focused on nothing is a challenge to say the least.

It does however, feel like part of a trend going on with me in general, trying to change small habits that I have developed along the way that may not always be so helpful. Another small thing I have been doing during my walks recently, is merely looking up and around me more. As noted above, they kind of used to be me being completely immersed in my own thoughts—to the point of being rather oblivious to my surroundings with the exception of the little detail I needed to actually find my way, mostly looking at the ground before my feet—and passing the time that way, but now I’m more trying to once again soak in my surroundings and actually to a degree simply let my mind rest instead of working it all the time. It’s strange, but in a way actually being alert and looking at my surroundings is less mentally taxing than thinking all the time, since there isn’t much I need to act upon in my observations.

The one drawback to this one might say, is that my surroundings while I am walking become that tad more important since I am actually looking at them instead of merely passing them by, but I guess that is an opportunity to go exploring and seeing new things as well.

Writing these posts is strange sometimes, since it takes me on a journey into myself, making me realize things about my own behaviour and feelings that I hadn’t thought about beforehand, and I end up just writing down those observations as I go along, on a shared journey of discovery of sorts. Starting out, I hadn’t even realized the similarity of these two experiences, and the thing connecting them: letting my mind freely wander, not thinking about anything specific or trying to entertain myself, just letting it roam. It seems that is something I’ve missed, not quite realizing it. To be fair, it can get boring rather easily, and it’s not something I could or would spend the whole day doing, but I think taking more opportunities to just be is something I will be keeping my eye open for.

I used to have this thing, when playing Cities Skilines or games like it, where I remembered it existed, get really excited because I do like city-builders, social games and the like, play it rather obsessively that day usually forgetting to go to sleep, and then not touching the game again for a year or more.

I am now, however slowly, weaning myself off of this, dipping into the game for an hour or two when I think of something to do or get inspired, doing what I can think of and then just closing the game again when I get bored. There is something strange about this to me, since I somehow get the feeling I don’t like the game if I can’t obsess about it which isn’t true, so being able to do this is in a way a learning experience.

It feels like, this tendency to want to have something to do that consumes every fiber of my being for the time I am doing it and anything less is not even worth considering to do makes actually enjoying smaller things more difficult to me, to the point of when I can’t dedicate a significant chunk of time to doing something I tend to kind of aimlessly sit at the computer, bored, but unable to start anything since I feel like I don’t have the time. Now, there are probably other contributing factors as well to this feeling, and wanting something one enjoys very much to do isn’t a bad thing in and of itself, but the point where it is with me where I have difficulties doing things I enjoy because it doesn’t feel worth it getting started on doing them, well that feels like a bad thing.

So far, I have been moderately succesful in this endeavor, in that I am still at times dipping into Cities Skylines specifically when I find the time and motivation and that of course varies but is still somewhat constant, and generally ends up being at least a couple of times a month. However, it hasn’t been necessarily an easy task doing so and I feel there is a rather big amount of additional work and time invested that goes into it on my part, especially since I rather often end up watching videos on other people doing builds which then inspire me to actually start playing again—it isn’t really something I all that often find the motivation to do on my own. Even then, that also isn’t always succesful in inspiring me and I do definitely watch the videos more often than I end up actually playing the game, which does mean I am in a sense keeping invested in the game even though I might not be playing it myself at the time, which perhaps through a cruel twist of fate actually makes me less likely to play it since I already get my fix as it were through other people’s experiences.

So it is a question of inspiration or am I actually sabotaging my own motivation? I honestly don’t know at this time, all I know is I want to do things more often but actually doing things is so much effort that it never ends up happening, so maybe living through others during those times is good so that I don’t just end up staring at the ceiling—or maybe the opposite is true, and I need that boredom without other stimulus in order to motivate me to change things? Not sure, and this has gone enough off the rails already as it is, so I’m going to end it here, but I guess there was even more to this topic than I thought and I might have to have a long think about some things.

Yesterday was the first day of summer time, an annoying archaic system that for some unexplicable reason is still being observed here.

If memory serves, I already wrote about this last year, hoping for it to be the last time we needed to subject ourselves to such unnecessities, though alas the wheels of bureocracy turn slowly and we are here yet again, suffering.

It remains, as always, an unfit solution for a problem that need not exist were it not for the unflexibility of the systems and procedures that came before, trying to fit nature into a box, working against her instead of with her.

I find myself in the fortunate yet unfortunate position of mayhaps not needing to care a great deal about the comings and goings of the ticking of clocks and their rendering of time, the cruel master we all serve in one way or another, yet even then I find myself incetivized to a degree to follow those monstrous things so as to allow myself to participate better in society at the times it is necessary or pleasant. The company of other people remains, despite my assurances at times to the contrary, important to me.

In the end, this too shall pass, and given time I shall once again adapt to the new reality presented before me, and life with all her ups and downs will go on, this being but yet another bump on the road.

A bumpy road it may be, life, and one I am often enough not too keen to travel on, yet it is the road before me and the road I shall remain on so long I am able, savoring every smile and tear along the way.

There was some hubbub recently around Tusky, a app for Mastodon, getting removed from the Google Play Store. It has fortunately since then been reinstated, but it did remind me to take another look at Mastodon and consequently the fediverse as a whole.

Mastodon, in case you aren’t aware, is a federated alternative to Twitter—federated meaning it’s not a central service run by one organisation or company but several different persons or organisations each running their own instance yet capable of talking to each other, a bit like email. The fediverse on the other hand refers to all of the different services talking this same protocol, allowing all of them to interoperate to a degree. There are other services that function as alternatives to things like Instagram or YouTube as well, though there I don’t really have any experience.

It has been a somewhat interesting experience so far, trying to start to use something that is very clearly built as a social and sharing platform, when both of those are things that don’t come particularily naturally to me. It’s very clearly more of an active effort to actually think of things I want to say there, as well as sometimes overthinking what is acceptable for me to say. Simultaneously, I am rather fascinated by the whole idea for some reason, both from a techical as well as a social aspect, so there is a certain drive there for me to continue to do it, I just have a hard time figuring out what to do with it.

I feel like that’s a trap I fall into somewhat easily, liking an idea but having no idea what to do with that idea or lacking the motivation to see it through.

There remains, of course, the option of using it in a similar manner to which I use Twitter currently, namely as an observer and reader. This time around I have been rather more succesful in finding things to read that I also want to read—so the option is definitely more appealing now than it was before, and I don’t think I will end up completely stopping using Mastodon at the very least—but for some reason remaining an observer feels like the wrong move. Sharing things publicly is definitely an activity that is outside my comfort zone—I think this blog works because I know basically nobody reads it—but I think exactly that is what makes it potentially so valuable.

Why you ask? Because it is both something I feel like I want to do yet uncomfortable, which means it is an opportunity to widen the horizon of things I am comfortable doing and in doing so not only allow me to learn new skills but improve my self-confidence as well. Widening my horizon is in general something that I am quite interested in at the moment, since I have this sneaking suspicion that I’ve arrived in a local maxima of sorts. I’ve grown comfortable with where I am and terrified of going anywhere since it feels like all paths lead downwards; yet I’m sure I have not found the peak.

I’m in a strange place when it comes to typing at the moment. I am currently in the process of learning to do ten-finger typing, and it has gone rather well so far, however there is a small thing that is bothering me a bit about it. There was a small remark in the program when starting it, noting that one shouldn’t revert to the old way of typing, even if one needs to type fast for something temporarily, and the problem is I seem to have taken this into heart a bit too much. It’s gotten to the point where I think I’m avoiding typing to a certain degree, because I’m worried about making mistakes, and instead resorting to using the mouse for things where I’d previously typed a search.

Now this fear is obviously hampering both my ability to learn and my ability to do things since it takes me longer, yet I persevere, for some to me unknown reason. I still, even while writing this post, am doing my best to keep up with the skills I’ve learned, taking my time, and thinking the actions through I need to take in order to get my thoughts on paper as it were. It feels really strange, typing in this way, especially since it gives me a heightened awarenes of any mistakes I make, which again isn’t exactly motivating.

Despite all of that negativity I’ve just written, there is also a sense of accomplishment to the whole thing, having taken something new and learned it in a relatively short time, a week or so. I am still far from perfect at it, and make what feels like a ton of mistakes especially when I try to go faster for once, but all of that is part of learning something new, I have to remind myself.

It feels a bit strange, but the biggest change really seems to be the lack of confidence I have in my skills now, that is holding me back from performing better. This lack of confidence however, is a good thing to a certain degree, since by going slowly I am better able to notice when I try to take shortcuts an accidentally revert to my old way of doing things. I then at the same time tend to notice why I shouldn’t be doing things the old way, since I spot inefficiencies and conflicts in the way my fingers are moving. I try to correct myself when I notice that, erasing what I’ve written and writing it again correctly, and that again feels good and like learning is taking place—even if it is a bit annoying since it does hamper my speed even further.

I’m also noticing my strange dependance on glancing at the keyboard, which again makes me slower since it makes me all the more aware of what I’m doing. At the same time, I don’t really have problem with writing with my eyes closed and that to a certain degree seems to actually even be easier since I can concentrate on what I’m doing better. Maybe that really is the way for me to learn the best, writing with my eyes closed, though there is only so much I have to say at one time and it tends to get kind of repetitive. So back to practising for me then.