Earlier this year, I stopped my habit of writing something in my diary daily. I’m not quite sure why, it just happened, one day I didn’t write anything and the next day just kind of followed from there. It might partially have been just that, missing out on one day leading to a demotivational spiral, where it didn’t feel like something I could do or perhaps needed to do. On reflection, I am also noticing a certain trend in the writing I did, where I had kind of hit a pattern of seemingly writing the same thing with different words and not really taking the time to actually reflect and write what was meaningful about that day.

Now, certainly, days that don’t necessarily have anything meanginful to them—at least on a personal level—do exist, but the lack of actually having the habit and taking the time to reflect on the day also definitely lead to me not writing about the days that did have something important in them and consequently not reflecting and perhaps remembering that.

I think the more important part might be, rather than forcing myself to write something, anything, to take the time and think if there is anything I would like to write that day if I haven’t done so already, or perhaps catching up the following day if anything comes to mind while lying about to sleep. The self-empathy of not punishing myself for missing out on recording something when there isn’t anything to record is important, as is I think recording it when it was meaningful to me that day. What’s meaningful might change with space and time, but that doesn’t lessen its importance in the moment, so thinking about it and actually processing it instead of supressing it is a good start.

So the last week or so—could be longer, could be shorter, it’s hard to keep track of time for me—I have actually been writing pretty much on the daily again. There were some difficulties and perhaps more boring entries during the start, though even then I did have thing to record from the previous weeks that I had neglected before so I actually ended up surprising myself with the amount of writing I had to do. It’s a strange feeling sometimes, of only actually realizing what I have been thinking about and feeling when I need to put it into words and write it down, since before that time it has merely been an unacknowledged ambigious feeling, the process of writing it down makes it all more concrete. It doesn’t always yield all of the answers, but it is a helpful tool on the way there.

I am not quite where I would like to be with the process yet, since it is perhaps too frequent occurrence that I don’t yet take the time to do this reflection and end up doing it in bed before sleeping instead, making both falling asleep as well as actually recording it accurately more difficult than it needs to be—I tend to do it the following day so as to not make falling asleep even more difficult—but this is a learning experience for me, and making mistakes and not being perfect from the start are allowed.

It’s a curious thing really, since this blog has become sort of another diary for me, chronicling my thoughts and feelings, but due to the different audiences and levels of privacy, the content is quite different. At the same time, despite those differences, both mediums help me process my thoughts and feelings and are a valuable tools in doing so.

I think I’m slowly starting to come to terms with the fact, that I don’t especially like failure. Now, you might think that that’s true for everyone, and sure to a certain degree that is probably true, but I’m very much noticing that I’m avoiding situations and activities where failure is a possibility, or at least enjoying such things a whole lot less. It just tends to, frustrate me I guess? Instead of becoming a learning opportunity and something I take as a lesson, I just end up all too easily giving up and doing something else.

This has been coming up in several different contexts in recent times, and also partially because I do quite a bit more self-reflection at the moment in general. Most recently I noticed this with Rise to Ruins, a kind of roguelike city-builder I suppose, where while I was enjoying the gameplay just fine and learning how it all works, my villagers started dying of starvation even though there was some food available—not much to be fair, I hadn’t prepared for the season properly, but there was a little food available and they didn’t really need to starve it felt like, and more was being prepared the whole time—and I just kind of ended up stopping playing at that point.

Now, the game bills itself as being hard and having a learning curve and saying that you won’t succeed the first time around, so this experience is something I should’ve expected going into it, but it’s still something that left me feeling like not wanting to play the game anymore and that feeling remains even though several weeks have passed since. My thoughts do wander to the game occasionally to be fair, so maybe I end up trying it again at some point, but we’ll see.

Another example that comes to mind, last summer as I was playing through RPGs I mostly ended up playing them on something like easy, which is a bit out of the ordinary for me since I most often tend to play things on normal or the equivalent. This was partially motivated by me not being such a huge friend of the resource management in the spells system that tends to be present in the type of D&D-inspired RPGs I was playing, but even though that wasn’t really the case in Pillars of Eternity II I still played the game on easy, so I’m not quite sure that was the whole reason. Now, to be fair, for me the more interesting part is the story and the social interactions anyway and the combat I don’t find overly interesting, and it quite simply just felt more relaxing doing it this way around and I’m not advocating that everyone needs to always do things the hardest way possible or that something has to be difficult for it to be enjoyable but these are merely observations of a pattern in recent times.

I stated before, that I don’t really believe failure is something that provides a great deal of joy to most people, even if they do then end up learning from it, and that it is then later the application of that learning and seeing the improvement that provides the joy. But it feels, therein lies the rub for me at the moment, I feel uncomfortable putting myself in situations where I don’t feel safe being able to succeed instantly, and when that doesn’t happen I feel all the more bad about my failure since it was something where I was expecting to succeed and am not able to gleam as much learning as might be possible from it. My problem, as it were, is not with failing itself but the reaction and mindset surrounding it that I have at the moment, and that is something I feel I need to work on.

I worry I might be paralysing myself with fear to a degree, where I find it more difficult to start with things since I fear I might not succeed—or perhaps my difficulties with starting things are mostly unrelated and at some point worth a post of their own.

BlizzCon, or BlizzConline as it was called this year, felt rather different. It wasn’t really the lack of a public for me—since that’s something I’ve always had in a sense since I never went on location, so that was a bonus if anything—but rather the way the panels were structured. To be fair, I haven’t watched all or even many of them yet, mostly just a couple of the ones that came after the main event, but still there was a distinct different style to them, much more personal something akin to a bunch of friends talking. Now it was at times rather obvious that they had a list of talking points that they needed to get through, but I still liked the vibe from what I’ve seen. To be fair, that probably partially came from it being the first time in a good while that they actually had the opportunity to catch up in real life as opposed to online, so perhaps that was to be expected even if it came as something of a positive surprise for me.

Another thing that really stood out for me this time around, probably owing to Blizzard not really having anything truly new to announce this year, was the heavy focus on nostalgia. That is naturally part of the whole thing when you’ve already released something like World of Warcaft Classic, and of course plays into the 30 anniversary, but still it felt somewhat interesting to see, especially when considering how much remastered stuff they actually ended up announcing.

This whole nostalgia thing did end up spurring some deeper thinking on my part, since it feels at times I can get rather stuck living in the past to a certain degree—looking at the current design of the blog—and while that isn’t in and of itself necessarily a bad thing it can definitely be a indicator of something left unresolved. I think one of the biggest points on this for me in recent times, was when I ended up changing my main’s name which felt like a much bigger thing than it probably is. Now sure, to a certain degree a name is actually a big thing, even if it is one in a game, but in retrospect I think there was quite a lot of unresolved emotions that I was clinging on to through the name, mostly unaware, and changing it helped me deal with those feelings better.

That doesn’t mean that I think that something being old or having me be nostalgic about something translate to it in someway being bad or negative in and of itself, but it has encouraged me to more critically look and analyze the feelings I think I have and actually have about certain things, especially when there is some outside influence nudging me in a certain direction.

With all of that said, much of the nostalgia Blizzard was selling us on wasn’t really something that applied to me, I didn’t actually play that much Diablo II or any of the things from the collection, so that does afford me the opportunity to go in with fresh eyes if I wanted to, but I don’t think I could handle the mechanics of old games at this point—even Diablo II, was never really a fan of the whole dropping items on death thing, just let me load the game.

The panels were really nice though.

We ended up completing Twisting Corridors in Torghast last Monday, all eight layers, and I have to admit it was surprisingly fun. Well, perhaps not surprisingly, I had kind of expected it to be more fune than normal Torghast since one actually properly has the opportunity to do something sensible even with some of the common anima powers, but still.

The runs themselves went rather well, we ended up having one failed run but that one was probably more down to late-night shenanigans than anything else, but all in all it felt more like a question of the content being time-consuming than difficult. To be fair, it’s a hard balance to strike, and with the runs being so long it would probably also be rather frustrating if it was more punishing since it would mean more time was “wasted” on failed runs, so the current balancing is probably correct.

One slightly unfortunate thing with it all, is that now there isn’t really any reason for me to revisit the Twisting Corridors outside of doing it for my own enjoyment, and the normal runs will probably feel even more boring than they were before since I’m more aware of the cool things that are possible with longer runs yet are so unlikely as to not be worth aiming for during a normal run. It really is a pity, and one nice change that could be made on that front is having Twisting Corridors as an option instead of the normal runs for the weekly ash, though implementing that might be somewhat difficult even if it would make farming it on alts that much more enjoyable.

The biggest gain from the whole ordeal, of course, was the mount awarded at the end, which is one of the few mounts currently available that is actually useable in the Maw, making that zone not utterly terrible to be in. It was really the primary motivator for me to get started with the whole thing, since I had been ignoring the Maw best I could but this strategy is probably not viable in the long term if I want to continue raiding at a reasonable level, so making doing the Maw not utterly terrible as it was unmounted was something of a priority for me, actually having some fun achieving that was just a bonus. It still baffles me at times, how Blizzard can make so many steps in the right direction to make the game more enjoyable with less mandatory grinding, and then just kind of give up at the last moment and introduce something like the Maw. Still, should have enough time now with the mount and weekly quests to get a sufficient amount of reputation for the gems before the next major content patch hits, so I guess that annoyance has kind of been dealt with for now; having to re-farm the Maw on alts however, I’m not looking forward to, hopefully that gets fixed at some point.

All in all, a successful week, especially since we ended up killing Sire Denathrius the next day, completing progress for now. Quite a nice feeling, being able to take it a bit more relaxed with the game again.

I guess it had to happen at some point, but it would seem I have missed my weekly deadline. It happened oddly quietly in a way, I thought about writing something a couple of times during the week, but never could really think of what I wanted to write, and when Sunday evening/night rolled around, there where simply sufficient other things going on to distract me from remembering to still write something that I just kind of didn’t.

Were this some sort of corporate setting and more serious a subject, there might be some sort of post-mortem of what process allowed this to happen and what steps will be taken to prevent it in the future, but at the end of the day, this is a personal project and something I’m doing for my own benefit, so the whole thing getting delayed by a few hours doesn’t really change all that much, if anything at all. Now, sure, it might to a certain degree contribute to a personal feeling of failure, and that can definitely be harmful in the long term but I’m also learning how to deal with such things better so I’d say it’s not really harmful at this point.

So what does this mean in the end? Nothing more than I get the opportunity to write two posts this week instead of one, and maybe having a break from time to time isn’t all that bad, I could of course prepare posts ahead of time if I feel the need to take a break but if that’s forced it doesn’t really feel worth increasing stress in order to reduce it. Anyway, bit of a diversion this time around, hopefully something more interesting next week.