This blog, in its various incarnations and designs, is a bit over five years old with a hundred-and-odd posts. When I started writing, I’m not really sure what I envisioned for it, I think I merely found the idea of being someone with a blog cool and decided to go with it, consequently probably not being prepared for the effort of actually keeping up with the writing especially as my interest in the main topic of the blog at the time—World of Warcraft—waned.

Still, years later, I somehow thought of this whole project again and kept writing sporadically, primarily still focused on the realm of the one game and the blogs of yore that had inspired me in the first place. I dabbled in things like writing thoughts and guides of a sort on the bosses we killed—probably a terrible idea, it didn’t bring me much joy and I consequently didn’t do a great job of the whole thing—along with I guess the occasional mini-“review” of some of the other games I had ended up playing, with it all culminating really in the last half year or so where I have been trying to produce something for the blog every week.

At this point in time, I’ve come to the realisation that I should stop trying to, well, produce something and just create and write what really strikes my fancy, since this has really just evolved into an outlet for me to do some writing without too much meaning or consequence which does increase my enjoyment of the whole thing by quite a bit. I think, to a certain degree, were someone to ever stumble upon this thing and actually start reading, that enjoyment of the process would also show through in the actual end content and thus hopefully be a more enjoyable read as well.

All of this growth and discovery does make it somewhat difficult for me personally to go back and look at some of the older things I have written, since there is a certain tinge of regret not only in the things I thought I should be focusing on but also—especially given, as said, the last year of so of somewhat high activity—how little I have written at times. To be sure, this is a leasure activity for me and to a certain degree making it even so regimented as I have now done with any schedule at all does at times mean that one’s heart isn’t into the creating a hundred percent, yet at the same time it does make it more of a priority to find time to do something I enjoy as well as allowing me to become that much better since I force myself to actually practice instead of putting things off indefinitely.

From looking back to looking forward, what then are my plans for the future for this small space on the internet that I call my own? As of yet, I am not sure. I think, as far as content goes, it will be as was outlined above, whatever I feel like I want to write about that I also feel comfortable sharing with the public. As for the site itself, I have considered changing the design—yet again—and potentially even the name, to free myself from the shackles of the past as it were. While the current design is something I do quite enjoy, it also makes a very clear statement as to the content of the site which might not be quite honest anymore. The name, similarily, is also a reference to World of Warcraft and my main there with the added bit of rambling because I wanted to give myself some freedom as to what I wrote about within the context of the game even if I don’t think I’m overly prone to actually rambling at least in so far as the length of my posts go. That was, admittedly, a really rambly sentence though.

What these changes would look like, however, I have no idea as of yet. A small retrospective simply felt right with this being the last post of the year—at least for those of us on the Gregorian calendar. With that, let us hope the coming year provides us all with more opportunities to happiness than the past one.

I recently found a little time to do some reading again, partially inspired by my mother who had done it as well, and I have to say there is something really calming about it even if the material I was reading this time around wasn’t such a light read for me. I really don’t know what it is about it, but it just seemed to have a very relaxing effect for me—or perhaps I managed to read because I felt relaxed in the moment?

This, of course, makes me somewhat sad that to a great degree I seem to have lost the ability I had in my youth of simply engrossing myself completely in a book and doing nothing else days on end than reading, but perhaps this is also a matter of not having found the right book for that in a long time. To be fair, I have also done a lot less looking for that book now than in earlier times, and at least as far as gaming goes I think Pillars of Eternity II proved to me that the capability to engross myself in something so completely is still there if I find the right story to focus me.

Perhaps a part of this is as well, that the kind of books I have been reading recently have mostly been with some sort of learning in mind, either directly through the content of the book or indirectly through the books language, which while fun in its own right is still draining to a degree which makes it that much more difficult to simply engross oneself in the content. At the same time, the last book I’ve read, Because Internet, was also purely research and factual yet I did enjoy that read greatly and felt more limited by the time I had available than the content of the book in my reading speed.

So perhaps that is merely the problem, me not having prioritised reading to a sufficient degree to actually go and search books I want to read sufficiently badly in order to actually keep on spending whole days doing that, along with not necessarily having those full days to spend on such an activity—or at least not setting aside a whole day for something like that, I did do it with gaming and Pillars as well as more recently World of Warcraft during the new expansion launch.

It is often said that identifying the problem is half of the solution, so now that I have done that do I think anything is likely to change for me? At the end of the day, probably not. I still enjoy reading and there is definitely a desire in me to find more of those moments where I can sneak away a page or twenty, but those day-long marathons are not likely to feature prominently at least in my imminent future due to other priorities at the moment, gaming and otherwise. Still, knowing that the potential is still probably there is also something of a comfort, and maybe one day in the not-too-distant future I will once again make use of it.

The last week or two, I’ve been feeling rather stressed and overwhelmed. I’m starting to think all the things I wanted to do with the release of the new expansion, along with holiday preparations going on at home, might’ve been biting of a bit more than I can chew. Now sure, it’s not that I wouldn’t have the time for all of it, but rather I’m just so very exhausted at the moment and would really need a break from everything that doesn’t seem to be forthcoming anytime soon—probably not this year at least.

It feels a bit strange, complaining about doing the things I actually want to do, but it’s still the way of things at the moment. The problem with all of that, of course, is that because I end up feeling overwhelmed by it all I kind of end up retreating into myself and not actually doing all the things. Some, sure, but not everything.

What probably isn’t helping is the somewhat precarious mental state I was in even before all of this got started, but I guess that all just means I’ve somthing to work through.

It’s, well, not really strange since I’ve known it for a while, but interesting to once again notice how much I seem to enjoy writing. There are definitively phases to it, and the desire to do so comes and goes, which was one of the reasons I decided to do it regularily so that I can hopefully keep the momentum and enjoyment going, but it is still interesting every time I re-discover it about myself.

The latest iteration of this process of discovery has been to finally start keeping a diary, so that I may for myself chronicle my moods and goings and through that hopefully better process things as well as give myself an opportunity to think things through. The process of putting something to paper is one that helps me actually take a deep dive into the matter instead of avoiding it.

Now this is already something I have at times done through this blog, but the nature of everything I post here being public necessarily both restricts what I want to say as well as forcing myself to speak about matters more circumspectly than when I am merely writing for myself and my own reference. Now, yes, the writing I do here is also mainly for my own benefit but it is still all public and consequently does need to have some consideration attached to what I end up saying, especially since humans are social animals and consequently what I think or feel about others might have an effect on them.

Another aspect of this iteration is, that it is for once a real life paper and pencil record for myself, and I have in recent times simply renewed my interest in somewhat old-school methods of communication and writing. There’s something about the idea of just having a handwritten book that just appeals to me, even if it is a lot less convenient and insecure—in the sense that it is probably a lot easier for someone close to me to get their hands on it and read it—than the digital alternative would be. But sitting down at my desk and taking a pen and writing down what I am thinking just feels more right for some reason, perhaps exactly because I already use the digital form of expression for other things or perhaps because I want to give those close to me the opportunity to see what was going on with me were something to go wrong—a consequence of watching to many crime dramas perhaps.

It’s somewhat amusing, I had been considering also taking up letter writing, since it seems to be somewhat of a lost art, and my mother recently found and went through some old letters left behind by her mother, and even though it was all somewhat mundane there was definitely a certain charm to seeing what someone was up to so long ago and retaining that little piece of history. So while I am definitely a child of the digital age and love technology and computers, sometimes it just feels more right to use older methods of communication so that there is a greater opportunity for it all to be studied and appreciated by posterity.

So here we are, almost a week after release, and so far the experience has been while somewhat stressful at times—mostly due to my own doing and ambition—something of a relief.

I’ve written before, of some of the anxiety I had going into it all, and so far my fears have been mostly unfounded though the real trial will of course be with the release of the raid—still in the honeymoon-phase. Yet the significantly reduced expectations following on from Battle for Azeroth have been a real blessing, and while this does lead to me perhaps logging in less than I did in the early days of that expansion, the time that I am spending playing is more meaningful to me and consequently more enjoyable.

Now, I admit, part of this enjoyment is probably also me having almost completely dodged the Maw so far, and the little I’ve done in there I still did not like, but the experience has still overall been very positive—if at times still somewhat frustrating due to the low amount of haste everyone has but it’s early days of the expansion and that always happens.

This does also mean I am looking forward to my future in this expansion that much more, since it has such a much more promising beginning than the last one meaning I can more easily see myself enjoying it all in the long run as well.

Now to get back to some leveling and dungeoning…