I am noticing a trend in my thinking that often leads to me feeling somewhat lost or unsure about the things I have done, or rather how to go forward with them, namely: false expectations.

Most recently, I am noticing this again with Linux, where I once more am feeling the desire to try it out a bit more and have actually done so on my laptop this time around—where I am currently using OpenSUSE Tumbleweed—but the “problem” I have ran into once again is this old feeling of “now what?”. I’ve installed it, am using it and for the most part enjoying it—aside from the small problems I had with the wireless networking and touch pad, both which seem to be solved now—but it’s all just so disappointingly normal that I am to a degree asking why I bothered. Don’t get me wrong, I still like Linux and will probably keep using it on my laptop for the foreseeable future even if desktop is probably out of the question for now due to gaming, but I had just for some reason expected more even though I’m not quite sure what and since that expectation was unreasonable I didn’t end up getting it.

It’s also something I’m running into with Final Fantasy XIV, where while I have been enjoying leveling rather a lot so far, I’m kind of stuck with it at the moment since I’ve ended up wondering what I’m doing it for—fun being the obvious answer, since I’m having fun—because I just stop playing the job basically the moment I hit max level. I did do some more playing with the white mage as I quite enjoyed healing, but even that was rather minor. It doesn’t really help that every time I do end up hitting max level I have on the one hand this feeling of elation of finally reaching the goal I had been working on, but simultaneously this overwhelming feeling of emptiness since I don’t really know what to do without something to work on. All of which ends up leading to this nagging feeling of wanting to play more, yet not knowing what to do once I am playing.

Perhaps there is a solution here in two parts. Part one: learning to set new goals ahead of time, so that even once I finish one I immediately have something new I can start on—or rather, preparing those new goals so that I am ready to start the moment I finish if I so desire.

Part two: learning to let go. By this I mean for example, even though I technically had the next goal ready and waiting once I finished leveling white mage, since I had grown so attached to what I was working on previously I took a long while to start on the next thing. This in and of itself is fine, working for a long while on something confers a certain level of attachment to that thing when it’s good so I’m not saying I should detach myself, but when that attachment is keeping me both from enjoying the old thing since I don’t know what to do with it as well as preventing me from starting something new since I’m clinging to the old the only thing it’s bringing is trouble and that is unnecessary. If you love something let it free and all of that.

Now of course, I’m not sure these things will solve my problem, and talking about it is always easier than actually executing on something—along with the nasty tendency of planning and failing to execute something resulting in a rather big amount of stress and thus negative feelings for me—but maybe writing about it here can be a first step towards a better me. If not, maybe it at least provides some food for thought for you, dear reader.

So last week on Monday evening, I realized that I hadn’t written anything for the blog yet, simply having forgot to do so. I had been meaning to sit down and write something over the weekend, but just never ended up finding the time or remembering to do so.

So, as said, Monday evening rolls around, and I think to myself “well, that’s fine, but I’ll write that I just forgot at some point during the week, maybe even with a few extended thoughts, and it’ll just be a shorter post this time around”. Lo and behold, it is the weekend again, and I still haven’t written anything, so it all now rolls on to the next post. An unfortunate circumstance to be sure, but not the end of the world I don’t think.

To be quite honest, this sort of forgetfulness is something of a theme in my life, and I tend to organize things in such a manner that they are in my way so that they become harder to forget, it just hasn’t been necessary for the blog yet and as such when a time of greater activity came about it got overlooked. It really does help that in general I have such a generous amount of time allotted to myself to write these things, meaning in all likelihood at some point during the week I’ll end up remembering to write a post on here—even if that all too often ends up being on Sunday.

When such discipline isn’t available though, it can be interesting to look in retrospect how long certain things can end up taking, days stretching to weeks stretching to months before I realize that there was that thing I wanted to do, now is just (still) not a convenient time for it. It seems to be especially prominent for me with social interactions, as while I do find that I need them my needs are rather low and anything fixed and scheduled tends to have a really draining and intimidating effect leading up to it, even for things I know I’ll enjoy. This leads to me rather often neglecting to make time for being social and talking to people, yet at the same time missing that kind of interaction.

The silly thing is that I know the solution to this all, which is simply just do it, but as noted once something is fixed and planned the anticipation just ends up really draining me, so planning anything is something of a difficulty. It feels strange, yearning for something so within reach yet the behaviors required for it going so against what I have become comfortable with that executing those becomes all but impossible. I know, I know, getting out of one’s comfort zone usually leads to bigger and better things, but those first steps can be oh so very hard to take, especially as so far they have shown no real sign of getting any easier with time. But I try, I try, and one day I shall get there.

In my post about motivation recently, I speculated about poor self-esteem and how it might be at least part of the reason for some of my difficulties. Thinking about the matter further, especially as it combines with gaming which is something I end up spending rather a lot of time doing, I started wondering why it then is that I am so drawn to games and RPG’s specifically. One reason undoubtedly is that they are part of how I got my start in gaming, and as such there is a certain nostalgia-factor even with newer games, but I think another large contributing factor is achievement.

Now, obviously, games tend to be made to be fun and as such are built to give a certain level of feeling of achievement to the player, either through their story or their competitive nature, but since we are talking about RPG’s the former more aptly applies—disregarding for the moment MMORPG’s and how those add competitive elements.

But what I think is the larger contributing factor in my case, is that in RPG’s I’m not myself but rather someone else, and as such the achievements are externalized allowing me to more readily accept them, and to join other’s celebrating and recognizing those achievements.

That’s probably also a large part, to be fair, having something I do be recognized, or more specifically, being able to myself recognize that something I have done is an achievement is something I struggle with. So when that feeling of achievement is externalized to my character, I am more able to partake in it.

Though the first class I ended up leveling in Final Fantasy XIV was arcanist, I never really ended up playing scholar that much, mostly focusing on summoner—the two jobs the class can specialize in—and consequently it wasn’t until I started leveling as a conjurer/white mage that I ended up actually doing any sort of healing. It has been interesting so far, though rather easy still, as I haven’t gotten overly far to be fair, but the curious thing has been that it has once again reminded me why I like healing, something I had curiously managed to forget. Well, not really forget, but I had been expecting that the slower pace of the game—or more specifically, the longer global cooldown—would mean that healing would be less enjoyable to me, and as such I didn’t really think I would enjoy it as much, yet to my surprise my experience so far has been almost the opposite: I think I enjoy it more than healing in World of Warcraft at the moment.

It’s way too early to make any sort of final judgement on that front though, as the types of content I do in both of the games is so vastly different that the gameplay isn’t really comparable at all.

Speaking of things that I rediscovered recently: tanking. Well, not really rediscovered, but I have been playing as a gunbreaker more recently, leveling through duties and tanking. It has actually been really fun again, especially since I tend to end up doing the same duty several times due to level restrictions, meaning I really get to learn and optimize my play therein, allowing me to actually start thinking about how I pull and where I use my cooldowns. What also really helps strangely is going back to the duty finder from doing trusts—trusts are basically duties (dungeons) that you do with NPCs, duty finder is finding random players to do it with—because even though the interactions are generally rather limited and I do tend to get unreasonably nervous about the prospect of having to interact with new people and afraid of being judged, I think those same fears play into it being that much more rewarding when things go in a reasonable way like they are wont to do. It is curious though, these fears seem much more prominent while playing a tank than a healer for me, probably because of the more visible role in having to lead the group—or perhaps because as a healer I haven’t been queuing alone but with a friend, which probably also helps a lot.

A slight drawback of actually playing with other players is the availability of such, and the increased queue times in trying to find players to run with, which are actually while still not long per se surprisingly long as a tank, generally somewhere between 2-10 minutes. The variance is of course rather high, depending on many factors, but it is still rather interesting to see since I’m somewhat used to tanks being the most in-demand role. Healer queues on the other hand have been surprisingly fast, essentially instantly being put in a party, which is also something of a surprise to me. Perhaps the level range also plays a role, more of the playerbase being available.

At any rate, both of these factors have given me a rather great deal of renewed interest towards the game which I have been happy to see, since it is nice to have something to do once more that I enjoy.

Some while back I wrote about my struggles with motivation, and while I did end up trying the whole novel-writing thing, it unfortunately did not end up quite as hoped—well, “end” is perhaps premature, it is still something I have a desire to do yet have laid to the side for now. But my recent forays into more, shall we say, motivated gaming have caused me to consider once more what it is about that activity that captures me so and how it might best be translated to other parts of life. Now, the simple and somewhat obvious answer is “because it’s fun” but there are other things that are fun that I still end up not doing or not doing as much as I’d like, so that isn’t the whole truth of the matter.

Actually, thinking about it, the problem for me in a lot of cases feels like the age-old problem of intrinsic versus extrinsic motivation, but with a twist: I’m really bad at intrinsic motivation. There seem to be precious few things that I manage to do out of the enjoyment of doing itself, and must resort to some sort of external motivator to keep me going. As an example, my recent forays into crafting and gathering, even though I was finding a certain degree of enjoyment in the collecting of things, as soon as I had reached my goals there appeared this internal resistance of “why bother?” that made continuing for lesser rewards or merely for the simple fun of it very difficult, leaving me adrift without cause.

This is a strange situation to find oneself in, because I can feel the call to keep playing and doing things, yet at the same time there is this huge internal resistance to actually do anything. One of the things I have going on is to level up another job, and I have been doing that mainly through dungeons since that seems to be the sensible way to do so, yet it for some reason requires rather a lot of mental preparation and focus to click that button to queue up. One might think this has something to do with shyness and other people, yet I had the exact same resistance even when launching on a command mission—as in, doing dungeons with a group of NPCs—so that doesn’t seem to be it.

What might hint at the root cause of this problem however, is what else I have been doing in recent days: programming. Now, that in and of itself isn’t the cause of course, but what I notice is that when I am programming I feel bad for not gaming and when I am gaming I feel bad for not programming, meaning whatever I do I feel bad. Now the problem of not being able to do what I wanted to do before I found new programming projects to work on did exist, yet it was somewhat easier to motivate myself then because I didn’t have anything else I could be doing, or the things I could be doing were small and discrete making it easier to get started by thinking “I’m not doing anything at the moment, so let me just get X out of the way”.

Maybe in the end all of this has little to do with motivation and more with indecisiveness, but the end result seems the same: not being able to do the things I want to do.

Right, now I remember where I was going with that whole motivation thing and why I was so focused on gaming: challenges and obstacles, and how that ties to intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. I am noticing, while gaming and programming, that once I hit an obstacle or have to think too hard or the like, it gets very hard for me to keep pushing through with intrinsic motivation alone, yet if there is some extrinsic motivation also at play—e.g. more story for completing the dungeon or some other reward like glamour or the like—it is much easier to keep on track and push through. I am not quite sure what this indicates, since the common wisdom is that intrinsic motivation is stronger than extrinsic, but maybe it is a hint that I don’t enjoy the things I do as much as I think? Yet that doesn’t really feel true either, so mayhap there is some other explanation.

The first that comes to mind is poor self-esteem, as in I don’t value myself enough to give sufficient credence to my own motivations and therefore rely on external motivators to keep me going, and deprived of those find myself lost. Perhaps that is also why I take so much comfort in the knowledge that death is an option, and if life gets too much I can simply not. At the same time, I have made the decision not to merely not because there are things I want to do and see and achieve, yet that was very much a conscious and not emotional decision and as such its power to work as a motivator requires a somewhat significant amount of mental energy. I think, however, that the insight gained in writing this might give me more tools to empower that decision.