Crusader Kings

I’ve been in something of a strange mood lately, after my infatuation with Crusader Kings 3 was over—and probably because of it being over—where time has taken on some rather strange characteristics. On the one hand, it feels like time passes rather slowly, as I’m not really doing anything that manages to captivate me at the moment in any real sense—all the more apparent because I so shortly beforehand was so completely and utterly captivated by something—yet at the same time I end up being surprised every evening at it already being evening and the day having gone and me not really having done anything—not having done anything is of course inaccurate, yet that being the feeling I have.

This underlying feeling of the days passing by quickly yet at the same time hours going slowly somehow is made worse by the simultaneous feeling that there is something I either should be doing or something ominous that the days are ticking towards that I should somehow be doing something about, yet I have no idea what either of these things are. Sure, one of the things I feel like I should be doing is ironically playing more Crusader Kings, since the stop was just somehow so abrupt and in the middle of a game in a sense I feel some sort of strange obligation to go back and re-discover the joy I had playing it before, yet at the same time I just have no motivation or real desire to actually do so—it’s strange to have such a feeling of obligation towards a thing.

What the ominous thing on the horizon might be, I can’t really say. Maybe it is simply the fear of not having the ability to go on such indulgences in the future, where I can wholly dedicate myself to something I am enjoying in the moment because I have other obligations to be taking care of, and am consequently yearning back to the comfort of being completely engrossed by something and as such escaping from the clutches of reality into the recesses of my own mind and obsession.

Actually, that’s probably exactly what it is.

It’s somewhat ironic, that the very fear of this ominous future is what is preventing me from taking the steps to remedy the problem in the present, not allowing myself to free myself from the clutches of what was and concentrate on what can be, ending up in a spiral of guilt leaving me unable to find something else to enjoy or build the framework to allow myself to reach more enjoyment in the future because I am so busy punishing myself for daring to be done with something and not needing or wanting to continue with it; paralyzed by my own internal conflicts.

I am sure this will all pass, as it has many a time before where I have been engrossed by something and consequently had difficulties adjusting back to not being so after either losing interest or finishing the thing in question, yet I have to say, the adjustment period sucks.

Well, the year didn’t begin that well for the blog, with me pretty instantly managing to take something of an impromptu break from writing. It wasn’t really intended, but I quite simply didn’t have the motivation to write anything, even though I had a thought here or there what I might write about. Even now, it’s somewhat difficult for me to do so, since I have been rather captivated by Crusader Kings 3 the last few days, and am somewhat loathe to take time away from playing it.

It’s curious how it happened, since I’ve dabbled in both the first and second game before, but never really for this long a time, mostly just for a few hours, afterwards getting simply too frustrated with the limitations that the game imposes on actually doing things. I’m not quite sure what’s so different this time, perhaps it’s me having begun in an earlier era where there were more opportunities for wars and expansion which gave me the motivation to actually build to empire size, and now that I’ve managed to get there I have a vested interest in keeping the empire going. I also think I might’ve gotten somewhat inspired by quill18 and his playthrough, since it allowed me to take the whole family dynasty approach to my gameplay which means that I can in a sense be more accepting of any potential lost wars or the like since I can just feel content as long as the dynasty is going well—it also makes this early game of forced partitioning of the titles between heirs a bit more bearable, since at least it’s all staying in the family most of the time. It is really annoying the level of control and power each consequent death brings with it though, and the significant slowing of the pace of the game that brings with it as well.

What also really helped—something I think is now an option for the first time but maybe I’ve just overlooked it—is the game setting to just put the gender rules to equal in the game. I know, it’s a lot less historically accurate and whatnot, but just always being essentially forced to play dudes gives me bad vibes for some reason—ironically, I’ll probably end up playing as one soon anyway since both of my heirs ended up being male, but should rectify itself before long at least.

It’s also kind of funny now that I’ve played a bunch looking back and actually thinking about the history of the empire I’ve built, and above that the family dynasty of over 500 living members, and just consider the absurdity of it. What started out as a single village in Africa, has evolved into an African empire lead by a afro-greco muslim empress leading her odd clan-based empire to victory—or more often at this point, merely peace, since with the change from tribal to clan government the cost of wars in gold went up such a huge degree that I can scarcely afford them. Probably doing something wrong there, probably related to how much my vassals like me or such, as that impacts how much they pay me in the clan-type government; probably also just growing pains, having relatively recently changed the government type and all of my vassals not even having done so yet, so there are a lot of upgrades missing I assume.

The one drawback of this recent, I think obsession is appropriate, is that I think it might be affecting my sleep, or rather my ability to go to sleep, since I essentially just end up planning what I’ll do next and essentially playing the game, which seems to keep me awake—or maybe it was just a unlucky coincidence and that’ll rectify itself soon enough. Still, I think the joy I’m currently getting is worth that small downside, just curious to see how long it all lasts, which of course also means enjoying it as long as it does! So back to the game.