Blizzard news

Whew, there has been a whole deluge of World of Warcraft/Blizzard news lately, some of it good, some of it questionable. The probably biggest thing is the announcement that Microsoft is planning to buy the company, which I have somewhat mixed feelings about. On one hand, it might provide an opportunity for them to clean up their act and does probably mean they have access to more funding which would hopefully mean more polished games coming out once again. On the other hand, ever increased consolidation of the gaming industry isn't something I'm all that happy to see, especially considering Blizzard is one of the few companies that have for a long time made the effort of also releasing their games on Mac, which I would imagine would be at an end were they to go under the Microsoft umbrella.

Still, I think it would probably end up more a good than bad thing, especially considering the announcements which followed that one which are rather suspiciously timed, but we'll have to see if the deal ends up going through.

For things more directly affecting me, Blizzard decided to ban boosting communities. Now, to be fair, I have been taking something of a break from boosting lately, but was looking at getting back into it before the announcement hit. It probably won't have that big of an effect on me as a result, especially since boosting with a guild is still allowed and we are making attempts at getting that organized, so the impact should be minimal, even if it does increase uncertainty a bit in the short term.

Finally, they seem to finally be bringing cross-faction PVE support to the game! While it unfortunately won't be making it in time for the next patch, I'm still really looking forward to it and remain cautiously optimistic that the final implementation ends up being in a form that is also useable for me. The points they made in the announcement were essentially what I had envisioned: cooperation within instanced content, outside of instances normal rules apply. Sadly, there was a major caveat: guilds remain single faction, which essentially makes the system unusable for me at this time, as Hall of Fame is bound to the guild and requires the run to be a guild run, which would mean we would have to limit the amount of players we have on a different faction were we to allow mixed factions at all in the first place. Those players who would be from the minority faction also would not have access to the Hall of Fame title, which is a minor thing but somewhat annoying as well nonetheless.

There is another, more minor caveat, namely that certain instances are unavailable for this since they have faction specific content. It feels a bit silly, since while it isn't a major thing because all of the content is from old expansions anyway and as such it doesn't affect current endgame, I feel the solution to the problem is really easy and simple: the group leader's faction decides which version of the instance the group gets. They did say they were working on a solution for it, so I'm assuming it's some sort of technical reason they can't simply implement it at launch, or maybe they are looking at some other solution.

At any rate, I'm hoping these are concerns that they address either before this feature goes live or in a later patch during the expansion, but regardless if they do it is a huge step in the right direction towards addressing the faction imbalance and making Alliance viable as a choice for raiding guilds. This makes me somewhat, dare I say, hopeful about World of Warcraft's future again.

World of Warcraft

Time

I've been in something of a strange mood lately, after my infatuation with Crusader Kings 3 was over—and probably because of it being over—where time has taken on some rather strange characteristics. On the one hand, it feels like time passes rather slowly, as I'm not really doing anything that manages to captivate me at the moment in any real sense—all the more apparent because I so shortly beforehand was so completely and utterly captivated by something—yet at the same time I end up being surprised every evening at it already being evening and the day having gone and me not really having done anything—not having done anything is of course inaccurate, yet that being the feeling I have.

This underlying feeling of the days passing by quickly yet at the same time hours going slowly somehow is made worse by the simultaneous feeling that there is something I either should be doing or something ominous that the days are ticking towards that I should somehow be doing something about, yet I have no idea what either of these things are. Sure, one of the things I feel like I should be doing is ironically playing more Crusader Kings, since the stop was just somehow so abrupt and in the middle of a game in a sense I feel some sort of strange obligation to go back and re-discover the joy I had playing it before, yet at the same time I just have no motivation or real desire to actually do so—it's strange to have such a feeling of obligation towards a thing.

What the ominous thing on the horizon might be, I can't really say. Maybe it is simply the fear of not having the ability to go on such indulgences in the future, where I can wholly dedicate myself to something I am enjoying in the moment because I have other obligations to be taking care of, and am consequently yearning back to the comfort of being completely engrossed by something and as such escaping from the clutches of reality into the recesses of my own mind and obsession.

Actually, that's probably exactly what it is.

It's somewhat ironic, that the very fear of this ominous future is what is preventing me from taking the steps to remedy the problem in the present, not allowing myself to free myself from the clutches of what was and concentrate on what can be, ending up in a spiral of guilt leaving me unable to find something else to enjoy or build the framework to allow myself to reach more enjoyment in the future because I am so busy punishing myself for daring to be done with something and not needing or wanting to continue with it; paralyzed by my own internal conflicts.

I am sure this will all pass, as it has many a time before where I have been engrossed by something and consequently had difficulties adjusting back to not being so after either losing interest or finishing the thing in question, yet I have to say, the adjustment period sucks.

Misc

Crusader Kings 3

Well, the year didn't begin that well for the blog, with me pretty instantly managing to take something of an impromptu break from writing. It wasn't really intended, but I quite simply didn't have the motivation to write anything, even though I had a thought here or there what I might write about. Even now, it's somewhat difficult for me to do so, since I have been rather captivated by Crusader Kings 3 the last few days, and am somewhat loathe to take time away from playing it.

It's curious how it happened, since I've dabbled in both the first and second game before, but never really for this long a time, mostly just for a few hours, afterwards getting simply too frustrated with the limitations that the game imposes on actually doing things. I'm not quite sure what's so different this time, perhaps it's me having begun in an earlier era where there were more opportunities for wars and expansion which gave me the motivation to actually build to empire size, and now that I've managed to get there I have a vested interest in keeping the empire going. I also think I might've gotten somewhat inspired by quill18 and his playthrough, since it allowed me to take the whole family dynasty approach to my gameplay which means that I can in a sense be more accepting of any potential lost wars or the like since I can just feel content as long as the dynasty is going well—it also makes this early game of forced partitioning of the titles between heirs a bit more bearable, since at least it's all staying in the family most of the time. It is really annoying the level of control and power each consequent death brings with it though, and the significant slowing of the pace of the game that brings with it as well.

What also really helped—something I think is now an option for the first time but maybe I've just overlooked it—is the game setting to just put the gender rules to equal in the game. I know, it's a lot less historically accurate and whatnot, but just always being essentially forced to play dudes gives me bad vibes for some reason—ironically, I'll probably end up playing as one soon anyway since both of my heirs ended up being male, but should rectify itself before long at least.

It's also kind of funny now that I've played a bunch looking back and actually thinking about the history of the empire I've built, and above that the family dynasty of over 500 living members, and just consider the absurdity of it. What started out as a single village in Africa, has evolved into an African empire lead by a afro-greco muslim empress leading her odd clan-based empire to victory—or more often at this point, merely peace, since with the change from tribal to clan government the cost of wars in gold went up such a huge degree that I can scarcely afford them. Probably doing something wrong there, probably related to how much my vassals like me or such, as that impacts how much they pay me in the clan-type government; probably also just growing pains, having relatively recently changed the government type and all of my vassals not even having done so yet, so there are a lot of upgrades missing I assume.

The one drawback of this recent, I think obsession is appropriate, is that I think it might be affecting my sleep, or rather my ability to go to sleep, since I essentially just end up planning what I'll do next and essentially playing the game, which seems to keep me awake—or maybe it was just a unlucky coincidence and that'll rectify itself soon enough. Still, I think the joy I'm currently getting is worth that small downside, just curious to see how long it all lasts, which of course also means enjoying it as long as it does! So back to the game.

Gaming

Credit

While learning Japanese last week, I momentarily hit another small slump in my learning motivation, where I was frustrated at not being faster at learning the language and simply wanting to be done with it and already having learnt the language. While my first instinct might be to just write this off as another patience problem, I think there might be something else underlying why I end up feeling this way: credit.

Credit, in the sense that I don't give myself enough credit for the things I have already achieved, and the fact I have already learned some things which is an achievement when thinking about how vast a project learning a new language is, and also when considering I have already learned other languages and while those things also took their time and consequently feel rather second nature to me at this point, it's still kind of awesome and badass to have actually gone through with it and achieved that.

I think that might generally be a problem I have, where I don't really recognize the effort I have put into learning earlier things, and consequently have a hard time doing new things since I've come to expect a certain level of competence of myself and merely write things I can't do yet as either too hard or not interesting enough to be worth the effort—yet the very fact I try to do them in the first place should be an indicator to me that I'm interested in learning to do that thing.

Now, of course, nobody can learn everything, so there is some limit to the things I am interested in but might not have the time to learn, yet at the same time what seems to be missing for me is not really the time but merely—merely she says, even though learning this will probably be harder than learning any language—is the kindness towards myself to allow myself to actually fail while learning and take the time I need in order to get to the level of comfort that I have with things that I already do know.

It feels like I've fallen into the trap of only really learning new things that are already very adjacent to the things I already know, thus facilitating an extremely short learning time, and just giving up on things outside that sphere as "too hard". A large part of this is probably also that I don't really have a good methodology of learning new things, especially bigger concepts, I can't really break things into smaller more manageable chunks so that the subject is easier to learn and just kind of want to know what I need to know in order to achieve whatever it is I want to achieve through knowing the subject—but now it feels like I'm returning to territory that I already covered in my earlier post.

Now I just need to figure out how I start actually internalizing and practicing the things I've noticed, but I think some vague awareness of why things are the way they are is a good starting point to doing something about improving my situation. Here's hoping this year provides good opportunities for me to do so!

Mind

2021 Retrospective

One of the fun things about writing this blog regularly is the ability to go back and look at what I was thinking about at specific points in time, and the improved ability for myself to be more aware of my own thoughts and feelings. Now to be fair, I mostly don't really make use of this opportunity, as I quite often find it difficult to interact with things I have created—or rather written—but there are times where it feels fitting.

It seems, at the end of last year, I was very focused on what I wanted to be doing with this blog, and I think that has shown through to a degree in the types of posts I have made this year, with them being very inwards-looking and analytical of myself or whatever it was that I was interested in at the time. I also think that the things I feel comfortable sharing with whoever stumbles upon this blog have increased, allowing me to more freely write and reflect on myself on here than was the case before—maybe that comes from in general getting more comfortable with myself and who I am as time goes on, even though I fear there is still a lot of work to be done on that front.

Something I've also more distinctly noted this year than the latter half of last year—the approximate time my personal challenge to publish something here every week has been going on—is that while it hasn't necessarily become more difficult to think about something I want to write about, it does feel like I have been less successful in actually getting something published this year than when I started with the challenge. I think that might be the natural progression of things, when starting out it's easy to remain motivated and keep pushing through any hard patches with the motivation alone, but as time goes by that motivation wanes and the only thing remaining keeping one going is some vague desire to have it done which is considerably easier to overpower—which also keeps getting easier every time one allows oneself to just skip a week, since what's one more time? Despite that, I remain relatively proud of myself to have even such a good track record with this as I do, where on most weeks I did manage to publish something, and for the most part it was even in my personally agreed upon time-slot of 9:00 Monday.

More thinking than looking back—remember, mostly not comfortable actually looking back at the things I've written—it does feel kind of great to be slowly building a collection of written works that I can look back on even if I rarely do. There's just something comforting in having that ability, and something reassuring in being able to see that and know that it's something I'm capable of—especially since what I'm capable of or rather all the things I'm not capable of have been somewhat heavily weighing on my mind lately, more or less consciously, but that's probably something to write about another time if at all.

Overall, it feels like this year has given me a lot to think about, especially as looking back at the end of last year, it felt like things for me personally were heading in a better direction, and while that is true once again as I'm writing this, the past month or two have been a rather hard time mentally and it's only really now that I'm starting to get perhaps a little better that I'm actually understanding how hard it has been. Despite that difficulty, there has also been some progress on a personal level where I have had a certain feeling of slowly getting forward both with accepting myself and confronting my fears—perhaps it is exactly those things that have caused it to be such a hard time—which with the holidays once more upon us does give a certain amount of hope for the future. Heck, I've even noticed myself enjoying things I thought I was past finding enjoyment for, if that's not a good sign for the future I don't know what is.

Here's hoping this upward trajectory continues into the next year!

Misc