Overwhelmed

The last week or two, I've been feeling rather stressed and overwhelmed. I'm starting to think all the things I wanted to do with the release of the new expansion, along with holiday preparations going on at home, might've been biting of a bit more than I can chew. Now sure, it's not that I wouldn't have the time for all of it, but rather I'm just so very exhausted at the moment and would really need a break from everything that doesn't seem to be forthcoming anytime soon—probably not this year at least.

It feels a bit strange, complaining about doing the things I actually want to do, but it's still the way of things at the moment. The problem with all of that, of course, is that because I end up feeling overwhelmed by it all I kind of end up retreating into myself and not actually doing all the things. Some, sure, but not everything.

What probably isn't helping is the somewhat precarious mental state I was in even before all of this got started, but I guess that all just means I've somthing to work through.

Misc

Diary

It's, well, not really strange since I've known it for a while, but interesting to once again notice how much I seem to enjoy writing. There are definitively phases to it, and the desire to do so comes and goes, which was one of the reasons I decided to do it regularily so that I can hopefully keep the momentum and enjoyment going, but it is still interesting every time I re-discover it about myself.

The latest iteration of this process of discovery has been to finally start keeping a diary, so that I may for myself chronicle my moods and goings and through that hopefully better process things as well as give myself an opportunity to think things through. The process of putting something to paper is one that helps me actually take a deep dive into the matter instead of avoiding it.

Now this is already something I have at times done through this blog, but the nature of everything I post here being public necessarily both restricts what I want to say as well as forcing myself to speak about matters more circumspectly than when I am merely writing for myself and my own reference. Now, yes, the writing I do here is also mainly for my own benefit but it is still all public and consequently does need to have some consideration attached to what I end up saying, especially since humans are social animals and consequently what I think or feel about others might have an effect on them.

Another aspect of this iteration is, that it is for once a real life paper and pencil record for myself, and I have in recent times simply renewed my interest in somewhat old-school methods of communication and writing. There's something about the idea of just having a handwritten book that just appeals to me, even if it is a lot less convenient and insecure—in the sense that it is probably a lot easier for someone close to me to get their hands on it and read it—than the digital alternative would be. But sitting down at my desk and taking a pen and writing down what I am thinking just feels more right for some reason, perhaps exactly because I already use the digital form of expression for other things or perhaps because I want to give those close to me the opportunity to see what was going on with me were something to go wrong—a consequence of watching to many crime dramas perhaps.

It's somewhat amusing, I had been considering also taking up letter writing, since it seems to be somewhat of a lost art, and my mother recently found and went through some old letters left behind by her mother, and even though it was all somewhat mundane there was definitely a certain charm to seeing what someone was up to so long ago and retaining that little piece of history. So while I am definitely a child of the digital age and love technology and computers, sometimes it just feels more right to use older methods of communication so that there is a greater opportunity for it all to be studied and appreciated by posterity.

Misc

Shadowlands

So here we are, almost a week after release, and so far the experience has been while somewhat stressful at times—mostly due to my own doing and ambition—something of a relief.

I've written before, of some of the anxiety I had going into it all, and so far my fears have been mostly unfounded though the real trial will of course be with the release of the raid—still in the honeymoon-phase. Yet the significantly reduced expectations following on from Battle for Azeroth have been a real blessing, and while this does lead to me perhaps logging in less than I did in the early days of that expansion, the time that I am spending playing is more meaningful to me and consequently more enjoyable.

Now, I admit, part of this enjoyment is probably also me having almost completely dodged the Maw so far, and the little I've done in there I still did not like, but the experience has still overall been very positive—if at times still somewhat frustrating due to the low amount of haste everyone has but it's early days of the expansion and that always happens.

This does also mean I am looking forward to my future in this expansion that much more, since it has such a much more promising beginning than the last one meaning I can more easily see myself enjoying it all in the long run as well.

Now to get back to some leveling and dungeoning...

World of Warcraft

Snow

Last week, a couple of days ago to be more precise, we had our first snow of the year here. Now it wasn't a lot, and is quickly melting since the temperature is still above 0°, but what a difference it makes, how much lighter the whole worlds seems in these dark times of the year with simply some white snow on the ground.

It's one of those strange things, that you know and expect yet kind of have to marvell at every time, the difference it makes.

The less fun part—for me at least—is that this means that we are slowly transitioning from autumn to winter, which means that my daily walks will get a bit colder, especially noticeable since the past autumn has actually been rather warm. Now, predicting the weather for long stretches of time is always hard and I haven't even looked at the short-term forecasts, so maybe this was just a blip and it gets warmer again, but still, it's a reminder that winter is (probably) around the corner.

I do hope for warm-ish winter, still under 0° so that we get to keep the snow, but not by much so I don't have to freeze too much when going outside.

Misc

Introversion

Having spent some time with my mother in the recent days, along with my usual gaming in the evenings, has given me renewed insight into my own, I suppose introversion is the right word.

Now, it's something I have been aware of about myself for a long time already, never being one that is at home at parties or larger gatherings, but what it has put into the spotlight is merely a rather significant need to have time that is simply mine, that I don't necessarily spend with anyone else or if I do it's more a case of being "alone together" where we are each doing our own thing.

This has recently, even though I am doing things I enjoy with people I enjoy, manifested itself as a form of stress and tiredness, to which the answer of course is simple: spend some time alone doing things for yourself, like writing. What then complicates matters, is not only the hours available in a day—I have been doing the things I have been doing since I want to spend time with people that are important to me—but also to a certain degree a feeling of guilt or perhaps even duty to spend the time with those people.

Taking a guess, this feeling stems from wanting to please others and making sure they are having a good time, and putting those needs before my own. Now, there have certainly been times and situations where I have managed my own needs better than I am at the moment, but that tinge of guilt of not participating has still always been there, the feeling of not belonging or not being wanted.

Reconciling these two extremes, on one hand needing time alone doing my own thing and on the other feeling guilty or left out when I am doing exactly that and others are doing their thing is something it seems I still have to work on, but for the moment the need for alone time is winning out.

Misc